17

Exercise: Spin class with the always fabulous Krysta.  25 miles!  Woot woot!



So I've been reading The History of Love as of late.  Thus far, it is hauntingly beautiful.

I picked it up years ago at a half price book store, and I honestly can't remember the motivation to do so.  Curiosity?  A recommendation of one of the employees, perhaps?  Or maybe the title.  For I hear, the best place to understand something is to start at the beginning.  Explore its past.

Nonetheless, it sat on that bookshelf for countless hours/days/month/years, until the day came when a moment of honesty led the inquisitive girl to learn of love.


"Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering."

13, 14, 15, &16

I've been thinking quite a bit about the concept of light.  It started with this talk from last week's Women's General Meeting from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

Charity, a dear friend of mine, invited me to go and will I forever be grateful for that invite.

At the beginning of her talk, Sister Wixom invited the younger girls to stand and sing "Teach Me to Walk in the Light."  The conference center was peppered with countless little girls dressed in their best outfits, complete with little bows and sparkly shoes.  As they stood up timidly at first, glancing back at their mothers with shy smiles, Sister Wixom start to hum the first few notes of the song, and as she did so, the conference started to fill with these tiny voices of pure love. Innocent, heart overflowing voices that, as humble as they sang, pierced me to the core.

We joined in on the second verse "Come little child and together we'll learn..."  So many thoughts flooded me.  Of my future family and the realization that I will one day bring my little girl to future gatherings and hopefully have her experience such a moment.  Of my duty to be a leader to these impressionable minds. Of the truth that in that moment they were entirely teaching me how to walk in that light.

It reminded me of the power to change.  To choose to dwell in the light.

It's a developing thought, one that I plan on researching over this next bit.

Friday: stairs at work
Saturday: walk the three miles to and from conference
Sunday: 30 minute walk before Sunset
Monday:

8, 9, 10, 11, 12

Getting ready to walk out of work yesterday after a very busy and very productive day, I was finishing up a few tasks when Dr. A called from his desk "There's been another shooting at Fort Hood..."
"Excuse me?" I said, my voice laced with disdain as I thought he was somehow kidding with April Fool's recently in our wake.
"Yeah, it's on the news," he said, more sensitivity in his voice.
One look at his face and I saw this was no joke.

Now I know there are thousands of soldiers on Fort Hood, around 70,000 to be more accurate.  But I couldn't help the immediate concern I had for my friends back home.  I consider them family, really.  How I learned to so much from them... how I changed so, so much for the better simply by loving and serving them, and letting them love me.  I know it sounds cheesy, but there is something to be said when you get to the point with people that you drop all barriers and be your real self with them.

And so my stomach dropped as I reached for the phone.  First call, and then second.  And that was far to slow, so here is one of those times that I admittedly am grateful for Facebook.  One message later, and fears were abated.

All are safe and accounted for (how I feel for those who were not so lucky).  And my gratitude for each of my soldiers, my fellow friends, is deep tonight.


Exercise:
Sunday:  helped friends move (not a super workout, but I'm counting it)
Monday: walk
Tuesday: Spinning class and additional core class
Wednesday: Stairs
Thursday: calisthenics

Days 5, 6 & 7

Exercise: day 5 was rugby practice, 6 was spin class and 7 was the gruesome rugby game

Went to the LDS general women's meeting tonight.  Seriously moving experience 

Day 2 & 3 & 4

So I've been thinking as of late.  Entirely too much thinking honestly.

day 2 was YOGA, day 3 was spinning with Krysta, and day 4 was a walk.

Day One

I don't even know how to start with this.  Well, best to start from this morning.  George, a dear military friend of mine, said his good-byes after visiting for the week, and as I reached over to the phone to check the time, I saw a letter from my friend David.  I really hate the term "ex-boyfriend" because it just sounds so harsh, but I have yet to learn of another way to describe someone you loved so deeply at one point, and yet no longer have that life with anymore.  Of course I still have feelings of love of him, I think everyone always has a bit of love in their hearts for those who have influenced them in an intimate and meaningful way.  But, it's different now.  I now get it when I learned in my humanities classes the different forms of Greek love... Agape, Eros, Philia.  For, what I now feel for David is a friendship type of love.

So, the email was a bit of a surprise, since I hadn't heard from him for many o' months.  Honestly, while George was up here he mentioned that he hadn't seen David for a long while at the branch, so that was a bit concerning for me, especially since working in the ED for so many years, you can't help but think of worst case scenarios.

So I looked at the phone to read the subject line, "You should probably sit down before reading this."  I had seen that similar expression before with a few of my girlfriends, to which they followed with "I'm getting married!"  So naturally, I thought this was David emailing to say he'd got engaged.

Nope.

Quite the opposite, actually.  He's been diagnosed with a form of leukemia and will return home from Korea this week (as he is currently deployed there) to receive chemotherapy and additional treatments.  Don't know the prognosis yet.  We chatted via Gmail later in the day, and it was so hard to keep the conversation light; I tried my hardest not to bombard with a gazillion questions, but really, I have a habit of getting directly to the point.  I knew that that's what he was trying to do, to keep it light, but it was a bit of a struggle to kid around and still process the news.

I'm trying to find the points of gratitude in all this, and honestly it's a bit of a struggle.  But I am grateful to see he is still alive and did not die while combat.  I'm grateful he is coming back to the US to Walter Reed, and will be much closer to his parents.  I'm grateful that I have friends at the U that hopefully will be able to tell me more so that I can pass that information along to him.  And I'm grateful for the strength that can be found beyond ourselves during times of devastating crisis.

And those are my gratitudes for the day.  Day One.

I think a good walk is in order at this moment.

12

I'm grateful for:
Charity making an excellent dinner
teaching Brownies about a bit of medicine
the can of unicorn meat that one of my nurses gave to my device tech

Exercise: stairs during lunch

11

As you all know, I've been recovering from a bit of a cold.  So today while walking out of work I was happily strolling to the bus when a mad coughing spell hit.  It was so bad that with the last cough I may or may not have expelled air from multiple locations from my being.  And of course, OF COURSE, I was surrounded by people all heading to the same place.  And in these cases, these oh so joyous moments of life, there is nothing else to do but to deny, deny, deny.  So I immediately looked around me with that "who the hell had the audacity to fart in public" kind of look, furrowed brow and all.  You and I both know they didn't buy it, but at least I'm grateful it didn't happen while in an enclosed space. like the bus (give it time, friends.  It's bound to happen).

I'm grateful that I've learned how to laugh through the passing of... time.
2. Also grateful for Somer being so concerned about me last night after my phone died during our conversation that she started to drive up to check on me to make sure I hadn't been eaten by sharks.  True friendship.
3. Last, but not least, I'm grateful for the confidence I built in my Zumba classes while in Killeen.  Tonight I tried my hand at a u-jam class, and at the end the teacher was kind enough to say that I rocked it.  So thank you dear fierce Killeen instructor who taught me well

Exercise: u-jam dance class (hip hop)

10

I'm grateful for:
1. Tracking two days in a row on My Fitness Pal! Veeeery small victory, but I'm realizing that in order to achieve these goals of mine, I need accountability.  And a biking partner/work-out friend.  I think I may have found said biking partner in the boyfriend (shocking, I know.  I'm actually using the "b" word).  But!  He lives in a land far away, and I am in need of weekday work-out friend.  Now accepting applications.  ;)
2.  Being able to help in clinic today.  They were miserably swamped down there when I came down in the afternoon to check on a patient of mine, and though I only helped manage 2 patients (one didn't even need to see us really), they were so happy to have the help
3. My two attendings, Dr A. and Dr. H.  I'm realizing I'm very lucky with the two of them, because boy it can be waaaay worse

Exercise: spinning class at the gym (it's literally called "the gym")

9

I'm grateful for:

1.  The band "The Strike"

2.  The echo tech Tracey spending a bit of time explaining various cardiac US views

3.  The app My Fitness Pal.  Day one complete.

Exercise: Dancing

8

I'm grateful for:
1.  My dearest Philly friends Kristina and Angie.  I had dinner tonight with their families (Kristina and her husband and two kids were visiting her father as he is slowly dying of dementia.  Heart wrenching, really.  But she is a woman of great faith.  And Angie is 37 weeks pregnant, with a girl!! How happy I am for the two of them
2.  My two home teachers, Josh and Mikey, sitting next to me during sacrament.  Actually I was sandwiched between them, and throughout the service Mikey and I wrote back and forth about things that we were grateful for.
3. The Sunday school lesson today.  It was about Abraham and Isaac, and it helped me better understand the Atonement and our Father.  Good stuff.

Exercise: organizing the house

6 & 7

I promise!  I did day six.  In my head.

My father tells me when I was a little girl I used to answer questions the same way.  Example:

Dad: Jackie, did you have a good day today?
Me:
Dad: Jackie?
Me:
Dad: Jackie.
Me: Yep?
Dad: Did you just hear me ask you a question?
Me: Of course I did dad.
Dad: But you didn't answer...
Me: Yeeeeeah, I did.
Dad:  No... no you didn't.
Me: Yes, I did.
Dad: Nope.
Me: Yep.
Dad: I didn't hear anything.
Me: Well, that's because it was in my head.
Dad:
Me: I agree with you there.
Dad:
Me: Well said, dad.

Obviously a highly communicative family.

So.  I'm grateful for:
1&2. Jason making the drive to Park City to spend a bit o' quality time with me, & for making it home safely in the dark and snow
3&4.  Having a lovely chat with my new friend Nikki, the art gallery gal in Park City, & listening to the struggles and successes of a group of gals at the after conference party
5&6. Pulling off the side of the road to look up the location of the nearest Wal-Mart to discover I literally pulled on the street that landed me directly in front of one, & for the Wal-Mart being clean and well stocked

Exercise: 3 mile walk around Park City Yesterday, and a 5k on the elliptical AND calisthenics before the start of conference

5

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Oh dear Arnold.  How I love your wisdom.  And biceps.

I'm grateful for:
1. Today being my Friday!  Granted, I have a weekend CME conference, but it's in Park City with soon to be excellent company.  So, blessing
2.  Home teachers Josh and Mikey making the trip in the rain to come and visit.  Josh, as always, was full of insights and dearest Mikey gave such a sweet prayer.
3.  Dearest friend calling to report he was entirely "functional" today in that he entirely served those in his area.  I don't know if he'd call it that, but I will.  He's rising from the "mess" to be something better.  It made me think of Josh's quote tonight:

“I believe,” said President Thomas S. Monson, “the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.”

4

"The art of being attentive is a journey to the seat of oneself."

I'm grateful for:

1.  being on my A game today at work.

2.  meeting a few new friends tonight at a ward activity.  I went to a German Christmas concert this past December with Charity and another gal whom I just re-met tonight.  I think her name was Kim :/ Must get better at this.  But!  Dave, a fella that I met my first week in the ward, came up and provided excellent conversation for a good chunk of the evening.  Biochemistry major turned philosopher.  Well read, loves music and the arts.  It's shocking to find a man that loves poetry.  (Kristi, he has his Masters in Library Science!)  I half want to set him up with one of my girlfriends, but I need to do a bit more research.

3.  laughing on the phone with Jason tonight.  Just thinking of it now makes me smile.  I told a girlfriend once what I'm looking for in a man (aside from the 3 "P's" as you already know) is one with whom I can wholeheartedly laugh.  And, friends, this house is filled with the glorious sound as of late :)

Exercise: 4 mile jog, and again the lovely walk to my car. 

3

I'm grateful for:
a.  NyQuil
b.  the extra soft Kleenex
c.  laptops.  I'm typing this from my bed as I keep one eye open.  sleep tight my friends

Exercise: spinning class and walk to my car in BFE parking lot after work

2

I'm grateful for:
1. making it through to the end of the day.  I woke up this morning with the classic symptoms of a viral infection (headache, body aches, productive cough, malaise) and I seriously debated about calling in sick.  But I didn't want to leave Dr. A alone to fend for himself with a full load of patients.  So I decided to buck it up and get the work done.
2. having a rewarding job.  I am starting to love this bit of work, and I'm realizing there is such opportunity for growth.  I can explore research if I wish, or improve current practice, etc.  The world awaits!
3. a lovely chat on the way home with Angel.  Great gal with great advice.


Exercise: I am seriously beat, but there's always enough energy to dance in the kitchen :)

1

“The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead; we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future.”  Jeffrey R. Holland, Created for Greater Things

I'm grateful for:
1.  My new friends Nicoletta and Sandra that I met on my walk up the canyon today.  They gave me great suggestions for things to do in the area.  Twilight series, movie at the capital, concerts at Red Butte Gardens
2.  Spending time on Skype with my family.  We had a mini FHE tonight with a scripture and song and all.  Mom chose the song "Families Can Be Together Forever" and Dad shared Joshua 1:9.  It was lovely
3.  My dad still acting like a kid.  As we were chatting, I could see him slowly move on the screen with Cheetos put in his mouth like a walrus.  And then he'd stick one out of his ear, or up his nose, or coming out of his glasses.  It was absolutely hilarious.


Exercise: 6 mile walk up the canyon

What Awaits Ahead

"The universe begins to look more like a great thought than a great machine."  -James Jeans

If you know me, you know that I have but few absolute truths.  One is that there is a supreme being that loves us all.  Another is that I know that life extends beyond the grave, and that the relationships that we have in this life will most certainly continue.

What I'm learning of late is that "the eternity of our souls has everything to do with our being here to learn lessons, the lessons involved nothing more complex than loving ourselves, which is far more difficult than I've realized before."  That comes to you from a reputable neurosurgeon that had a near death experience.

He indicates that the primary life lesson is love.  And faith.  "We are supposed to have faith in that eternity of souls, in that afterlife realm, in that heaven, in that dwelling place of the divine and not know it as clearly as the moon rising the sky every night.  That’s for a reason.  This is soul school."  I know that last line may sound a bit cheesy, but he says it with such authenticity that I have no doubts as to his motive.

It's Truth, folks.  With a capital "T"

For my future reference and research: 

Eben Alexander Lecture

Centering Prayer

Brene Brown The power of Vulnerability

Sacred Acoustics

Dead Symphony

Brene Brown The power of Vulnerability

Bioethics of Death

Frontier Science 

I'm grateful for:
a.  fantastic conversation with April and Charity tonight.  VT at it's finest
b.  lunch with the drug rep Aaron, learned about sub q ICDS
c.  Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Exercise: Strength and Stretch class AND stairs

5

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.  - Audrey Hepburn 

I'm grateful for:
a.  the glorious sun coming out today
b.  getting the house entirely cleaned up on my day off
c.  spending the evening with such splendid company, and learning a thing or two about cars and people for that matter.  Loved it :)

Exercise: walk along the canyon today