Day 3a

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

1. I'm grateful for:

a. having a brain that can learn incredibly difficult cardiology concepts 

b. having the determination to study these topics

c. having the discipline to review it again and again until I know it by heart ;)

2.  It's interesting, these meditation exercises I'm doing.  Today's exercise was on the centering thought, "My heart knows the answer."  Deepka started with asking the question, "What do I want?  What is my deepest, most heartfelt desire?"  The first two thoughts were, slightly embarrassing to admit, sex and chocolate.  He pointed out that the initial responses originating from my mind and ego may quickly focus on the surface, possibly material, things of life.  He then encouraged me to move from the mind to the heart.  

Deepka: "Perhaps when asked from the heart, you're guided to the place within that seeks to strengthen your connection with nature or longs to find a place of quite and solitude.  If a motorcycle was on your wish list, you may now be connected to the place in your heart that is craving a sense of freedom.  So let's ask the question again, moving just a little closer to discovering what we really want."  Following the instructions, I focused my attention on my breath and placed my hand over my heart.  Letting go, and asking myself again, "What do I want? What is my deepest most heartfelt desire", listening carefully, it was clear and obvious.  

I want to be a mother.  Deeply and wholly. 

I want to hold a baby, my baby on my chest and sing her a lullaby.  I want the diapers, and nap times, and trips to the museum, and teaching him to dance, and the three o'clock meltdowns, and kite flying, and getting her ready for daddy-daughter dates, and picking up the same books & toys for the gazillionth time, and cupcake making at grandpa and grandma's house, and tantrums in the grocery aisle, and seeing him ride around on his father's shoulders, and hugs & kisses, bedtime stories, cuddle time with the whole family. I want the whirlwind of wild and wonderful memories that come with making and being a family.  That is what I really want.  

And so, I re-evaluate my initial responses.  Sex and chocolate.  It's funny to think that the initial desire for intimacy can result in my deeper desire of pregnancy, but I am realizing now that to reach that goal, I have yet to reach the standards and boundaries I've set for myself.  I want to have a normal BMI before I conceive, and though I am close, there are still a few months and a few hundred miles on the treadmill in between here and now.  As crucial as it is at being at a prime point of physical health, I also am in need of a companion that can be my complementary counterpart.  Marriage is not just about love, intimacy, and finding a compatible husband; it is about sacrifice for children. I have worked with countless women, read study after study, heard a plethora of stories of fatherless children raised by husband-less mothers.  Folks, as much as I can appreciate single parent homes, I know it makes a negative impact on the children when both parties are not represented in parents.  I believe rearing children is best done with the influence of a father and a mother in a safe and loving environment.  As much as I want a child, I recognize that it is likely the most selfish act I could choose to have one out of wedlock.

And so I wait. And work at what I know I need to.  And open the patched up heart once again.  And above all, keep the faith.

3.  Exercise:  Stairs

4. Meditation: Deepka Chopra What Do You Really Want? 

5.  Random Act of Kindness: Made banana nut muffins for a friend